Column press blow: tofu until it comes out his ears.

How Susi Hoeneb ensured that Uli H. remained surprisingly civilized even after FC Bayern Munchen lost.

Bavarian happiness: Uli and Susi Hoeneb Photo: dpa

It worked! Ha! "Watch this," I had said to him, back in November, "if you say something like that again, then something is going on here!" After the 3:3 against Fortuna, he had said, "This will be a difficult evening for my wife." Everyone can imagine how people look at you at the bakery on a Monday after you say something like that, a little pityingly, a little suspiciously, to see if you’re okay. In any case, you can’t put up with that kind of nonsense, and that’s why I thought of something.

"If you talk such nonsense again, I’ll become a member of Peta, well, not exactly of them, but there will be another animal protection organization that doesn’t work with concentration camp comparisons, and I’ll become a member of them, ah, what am I saying: supporting member! Premium platinum member! and move by the Talkshows. With pictures of cute baby animals! But then you’ll look stupid with your sausage factory." And besides, I add, "I’ll become a vegetarian, and from morning till night there’ll still be tofu, tofu, tofu here, until it comes out your ears, the tofu. And I won’t watch ‘Sissi’ with you anymore!"

In between, I had to turn away every now and then because I had to laugh so hard at how miserable he was sitting there. It didn’t even occur to him to say, "Huh? My sausage factory? You own more than half of it."

We shouldn’t be envious, but other Susis have become Juso chairmen. Or sports director at Borussia Dortmund. Or even had an entire song dedicated to them, like Suzie Q, whose real last name was Lewis and who is the daughter of Stan Lewis. And by the way, Stan Lewis is the cousin of Elvis drummer D.J. Fontana, but that’s just by the way.

Anyway, this Stan Lewis wrote "Suzie Q" in 1957 for his daughter, who was about two years old at the time. I had done some extra googling on her the other day and found her Facebook page. She’s a little younger than me, but still a very pretty woman, too. And one who posts funny things, like a photo that shows lobsters, and above it says, "Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy lobsters, and that’s the same thing."

The living room full of soccer players

Well, and what did I have? A good life, sure, but also a living room full of soccer players. Excited footballers, mostly who wanted to move to Munich. I mean, what do you talk about with people like that? "Yes, fine, I know, you want to become champions with Bayern, everyone always wants to, yes, yes, great opportunity of a lifetime, eternal gratitude, I already know, another morsel of carpaccio perhaps?" Not much different from the Munich chic, except that you can’t go home when it gets too stupid, because it’s at your house.

In any case, Neuer is injured, and there’s also travel chaos. Just the way the Freiburgers stood there before kickoff, you could see right away that they were up to something. I like it when they fight back, or at least try to, so that I can see whether my threat is still effective or whether I should occasionally talk about my excessive love for cute baby cows at breakfast.

This could be one of those match days, I thought, and after three minutes the score was already 1:0 for SC Freiburg. This Hummels was a bit late, I thought. 19 minutes later, the equalizer, wonderful acceptance of Lewandowski, who scores from the rotation. Then happened this & that, but it remained at 1:1.

Bit unfavorable just that the BVB, so this club of this other Susi, won 2-0 against Wolfsburg and is now table leader. But: No stupid sentence from Uli! See you soon, your Susi H.

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